The Web School
WEB SCHOOL MORNING BROADCAST TRANSCRIPT #240315
BY THE WEB SCHOOL BROADCAST TEAM
[TRANSCRIPT BEGIN]
IT IS NOW. 7:30. AM.
[INTERCOM CRACKLING]
Goooood morning, Spiders! The day is Monday, March 15th, and it’s a bright and beautiful one for the Web School of California. No clouds or rain predicted, just somewhat chilly weather and the great, big, terrifying sun. We’ve got quite a few announcements for this morning, so let’s get into it.
An update on Student Government Executive elections: With 154 votes, Elliot Cooper is currently in first place, followed by Regina Brennan with 119, then Ravena-Tenebris Darkness Deathbringer The Seventh with 93. Voting is online-only, this time — I’m sure no one wants a repeat of last year’s incident, after all. The link has been sent to all your student emails.
By the way… I, yes, me, am an eligible candidate — You should vote for me. I’m a really great candidate. Now, not to… slander anyone, but… Like, Elliot Cooper, really? That guy has the most horrendous haircut I’ve ever seen, and his posters are an absolute eyesore across campus. And, ugh, Regina, her friend group are all such jerks, and she cuts in the lunch line! Ridiculous! Who even is this Ravena-Tenebris Darkness Deathbringer The Seventh guy anyways? I’ve never even heard of ‘em till now.
I promise to represent the student body as best as I can, to actively participate in all events, and to make Javelin And Other Sharp Object Throwing Practice Day non-mandatory. I’m not saying you have to, I’m just saying you should. Rory Fletcher for StuGov Pres 2024!
[ANNOYED MURMURING IN BACKGROUND]
Not advertising. Just saying. Mhm. Yeah.
Right, on with the broadcast. Ahem.
[SHUFFLING OF PAPERS]
Chief Academic Officer Rosales is here to issue a statement about grades, as the end of Quarter 3 draws closer.
Heya, Rory, thanks. Right, so the school would like to remind everyone that a B is still a great grade. Really. It isn’t even that bad. Don’t worry about it. Of course, we’d love it if you all got A’s, but B’s aren’t that bad. We swear. Really. High School isn’t all about grades. There’s nothing to be afraid of. On a completely unrelated note, if your grade is lower than an A before March 21st, we suggest you write a goodbye note to everyone you love, except maybe your parents. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. Don’t worry. B’s aren’t that bad. Stay calm. Accept it. It’ll hurt less that way.
We gotta keep our rankings up, you know?
Thank you for that notice, Mr. Rosales. Pressure is high, but it’s always good to remember that academics aren’t the only thing that matters! It’s also good to remember your fragile mortality and conditioned weakness in the face of authority.
Oh! Hm. I’ve just been notified that our current lead in the election, Elliot Cooper, has been found dead. His body was found brutally mangled and shoved into his locker, with claw marks resembling that of a large animal. Say, this resembles how the last two leading candidates died an awful lot, doesn’t it?
Unfortunately, his lack of presence on this mortal plane disqualifies him for the Student Government election. This leaves Regina in first, Ravena-Tenebris Darkness Deathbringer The Seventh in second, and Kat Juniper in third. All students who put in their vote for him may now vote for a different candidate, if they wish. Wink Wink. I’m in fifth place. Vote for me.
Another emergency update on the voting situation. Wow. Regina is also dead! Her friend group described her being brutally attacked by a large monster with scales like the midnight sky, dark spikes across its back, and sharp silver claws as large as knives. They also mentioned pulsing white eyes all across its body, which when stared into turned them into mindless servants. Oh dear! Many thanks to prospective psychology major Marissa Ramirez for helping them out, by the way.
Worry not, though, students — Dean Gerardo has informed me that this is no murderous beast, but rather our newest transfer student from an alien plane, Ravena-Tenebris Darkness Deathbringer The Seventh. Whom also happens to be a murderous beast. Well, we are known for fostering diversity…
Monsters whom are secretly the people we love and terribly translated names aside, we have quite a few exciting sports updates this week – I’ll be passing the mic to Sports Announcer Nellie.
Good… Right, good morning, Spiders! Nellie here. Web sports has had a decently productive week, with a to-be decently productive week to come:
We have a few games in the following weeks. First is a home game of Volleyball against Mount Clear High School this Thursday, a swim meet at Cordilla View on Friday, a home track meet against several schools next Monday, and a Volleyball tourney at Chestnut High next Wednesday. Please come and support if you can – show school spirit by wearing dark blue and bringing jars full of spiders to fling at our opponents. Make sure the spiders are non-fatally venomous, please. Snakes are not an acceptable substitute.
Congratulations to Swim, for a record game last Saturday! Despite the dozen or so strikes of lightning within a hundred meters of the pool, the athletes persisted through the storm, the game ending with only two casualties.
The Tennis team played hard but ultimately lost against East Covina last Friday, though not without putting up a fight – we want to extend a special mention to Beatrice, who knocked out three whole opponents with her racket, and Benjamin, who lost an arm but won the match. Con-gratulations once more to all our sports teams.
Speaking of tennis, Dr. Neil is hosting a tennis clinic this Saturday morning at 10 AM in the gym, on psychological warfare, siege tactics, and the usage of teeth. Come. Or don’t. We don’t care. Dr. Neil might, though. Come. Please. Especially if you’re on the Tennis team. I don’t want you to die. Please. I’ve seen what happens to those who don’t. It’s worse than death. Please show up. Please, I lied, I care. Someone cares. Someone always cares. Please come. Thank you.
[CLEARING OF THROAT]
A- and that’s the sports segment for today…
Thanks so much, Nellie! Now, yes I know this is taking up a lot of air time, but wow! You guys won’t believe this- I can’t believe it. I’m currently- Oh my gosh, it just went up by like ten votes. This is really hard to believe, but, First place for StuGov elections! Gosh, in all my years of school, I’ve never seen votes go up that fast! Wow. This should be impossible. And- look at the margin- a whole 143 votes between second place and I! That’s got to be some record. Aah. I’m so incredibly thankful. While there’s still two weeks left to go… Wow. Haha.
Sorry. On with the broadcast. Our guest for today is none other than Dean Fernandez, here to share some very important news. Make sure you’re listening. Welcome, Ms. Fernandez! It’s an honor to have you on today.
[A MULTITUDE OF HISSING AND CLACKING NOISES]
Oh, no, the pleasure is all ours.
[A LONG SERIES OF HISSES INTERSPERSED WITH DISTANT ROARS, CRUNCHING NOISES, MORE CLACKING, AND GROWLING THAT LASTS APPROXIMATELY 19 SECONDS]
Thanks again, Ms. Fernandez. Have a wonderful day.
I hope we all got that, because it was extremely, incredibly, life-threateningly important. If you didn’t, transcripts of each episode are available on our website, at thewebschool.neocities.org.
[PANICKED TALKING]
What?
[MORE PANICKED TALKING]
No? I don’t hear that. What are you- Wait.
[COMPLETE SILENCE. THE FAINT NOISE OF SCRATCHING.]
Wait. Wait I hear that. The scratching? Oh [CENSORED]. Oh [CENSORED]. Oh I am [CENSORED].
[THUD AGAINST DOOR]
…Oh [WHISPERED STRING OF PROFANITIES]- Okay, okay, what do I do- Window? There’s no window. There’s no window oh [CENSORED] [CENSORED] oh no oh [CENSORED]…
[VOICE FADES AWAY, ITS SPEAKER PRESUMABLY LEAVING THE MIC. FAINT NOISES OF DISCUSSION. ANOTHER THUD AGAINST THE DOOR. A NOISE OF DISTRESS. ANOTHER, LOUDER THUD. A CRASH. A SCREAM. CREATURE NOISES. A LOUDLY EXCLAIMED EXPLETIVE. MORE SCREAMING AND CRASHING. ANOTHER LOUD CRASH. FOOTSTEPS. NOISE BEGINS TO FADE.]
[SEVERAL MOMENTS OF SILENCE.]
…Hello- Hello? Is this… ah. Right.
[A LONG PAUSE. SEVERAL DEEP BREATHS ARE TAKEN. SOME SELF-MOTIVATIONAL MUMBLINGS ARE SAID.]
Right. Well. Hello. Hello, Beatrice here. Rory, uh, he’s running away from… the transfer student. I’ll be taking over the rest of the broadcast while he… fights for his life.
[SHUFFLING OF PAPERS]
Sorry, it’s rather dark in here, he… he took the desk lamp as a weapon. Anyways.
Birthdays for this week are: Layla, Kas, Brian, Gorgoroth The Destroyer, Melody, Rory, and Ms. Dearfield. If you see them in the hallways give them a… Sorry, I can’t read the writing… a congratulations for clawing their way past another year in the cruel joke that is life.
A brief note that the gate to upper campus has been possessed by an ancient malevolent entity, whom is now forcing students to answer math questions in order to pass. Please use the other gate, unless you’re in a really big hurry, in which case be wary of being eaten upon incorrect answer.
Today’s riddle is: What’s blue and smells like red paint?
[TWENTY SECONDS OF SILENCE]
Fruit trees.
Well. Next page. An ad by the Paleo Club. They’re doing a fundraiser. Great. Do I have to… Alright. Okay. Fine. The… Have you ever wanted to uncover things beyond yourself? Have you ever wanted to engage in unethical scientific practices? Have you ever wanted to help a high school club revive a single member of an extinct species via stolen fossils, unsafe chemicals, and- No. No, I haven’t. Why would you want to do that? Why would anyone want to do that? Blood rituals- No. Moving on. Don’t fund them. Don’t raise them either.
[FAINT SCREAM IN THE DISTANCE]
…Moving on. Moving on.
Quote of the day: The answer to number 17 on the Algebra II math test is C. That has been our quote of the day.
Next, please reflect on your conflicting feelings of pride and guilt for a nation you both love and hate, as we play the Star Spangled Banner.
[SOME STRANGE OFF-NOTE COVER OF THE INSTRUMENTAL FOR THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER PLAYS. IT IS COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF KAZOOS, TRIANGLES, AND RUBBER BAND TWANGS. SEVERAL SECONDS OF SILENCE PASS ONCE MORE AFTER IT ENDS.]
Hey, uh, Rory. Can you hear me? I hope you can hear me. Your name is still on the birthdays list. We have surprise cupcakes for you in the lounge- Well, it’s not like they’re a surprise now, but. Look, you, anyone, if you’re listening – congratulations.
Congratulations on having made it so far. Congratulations on digging your nails in and refusing to let go and loving, even though the universe cannot love you back. Congratulations. You’ve spun around the great, big, terrifying sun another time, even though the inertia hurts. Your life, your living – that’s an accomplishment, in and of itself. Happy birthday.
[SILENCE. A SOFT SIGH.]
Your reporters today have been Beatrice, Nellie, and Rory. Tune in tomorrow morning at 7:30 for an update on Student Leadership Voting, Star Readers for the month, and a special guest.
Thank you for listening.
[TRANSCRIPT END]
Transcribed by Rory Fletcher