Water

I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean I was forced to swim in.

Over and over again the waves hit me and I’m forced under water.

I paddle and I paddle but I don’t make it up again till I reach the sand and push myself back up

to the surface.

Then again a wave hits and I am drowning.

Gasping for air and swimming towards a land that I know will never come.

The thing about wanting is that it suffocates you.

Like the ocean it floods your lungs and each time you attempt to breathe your chest is met with

only the thick, sandy water.

Stuck in a cycle of always wanting something you can never have, could never have,

It kills you.

Up, down, over, under, again and again.

Everytime I start to see the horizon I’m thrown under harder.

And I swear I didn’t choose to be here, didn’t choose this life,

Because sometimes I think I’ll choose the opposite.

Maybe I can just stay under this time.

Let the water flood my lungs, and allow myself to slowly sink into the sand so that I can become

what I’m meant to be,

Gone.

I’m not meant to live this life, that I know,

Because if there is anyone, anything out there then why would it curse me with the ocean?

Chain me to the bottom so I can never get away.

Why would it dangle the safety of land in front of me only to let the ocean push me under again?

The thing about wanting is that you’ll never get what you want.

Because maybe nature is cruel.

And maybe I’m destined to sink because I can never swim.

Maybe this is where I’m meant to be.

Over and over again gasping for air when my lungs are filled with water.

I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean I was forced to swim in.

Because I am.